Tag Archives: Feelings

Silence …

15 May

He was constantly fighting not to think about it through the day. He drowned himself in more work; he seeked new friends and engaged in conversations with them. Her laugh and silly memories kept reappearing in front of him. But why should he bother? Wasn’t it apparent that she did not really care for him any more – where had the calls and conversations gone? Why didn’t she make attempts to meet him anymore?

She had a knot in her throat all her waking moments these days. She could sense his change in attitude, but felt this was just a passing phase – maybe work woes. He would confide in her one of these days. After all, she trusted, there was no space for assumptions in their relationship. He would certainly speak his mind and share – weren’t they best friends first? She missed him.

The previous day had marked the fourth anniversary of their relationship and so it continued in silence for the next six months till they drifted apart without uttering a single word.

Life moved on. Somewhere deep down, they continued loving each other.

If only they would have confided in each other…

The Runway to Best Friends’ Wedding

6 May

No, the title (the apostrophe in the title) is not a grammatical mistake. Like any other female, I have few best friends and anyone would be an idiot to argue with me that “best” implies only “one”. Sorry dear, you are just going to waste your time.

Now that I have satiated the grammar Nazi in me by excusing myself for the “logical mistake”, back to the point.

Weddings are always a happy affair – okay, pardon the bride and groom who are being buried. So, by and large – Weddings are always a happy affair. But a best friend’s wedding is another thing.

I happen to know very few events that can arouse a tornado of emotions like your best friend getting hitched.

Yes, yes … you always encouraged him/ her to extend bachelorhood till his/ her last breath, but the instant you get the “good news”, a feeling of relief engulfs the entire being – you were shit worried that he/ she settles down. Relief-Happiness to the extent of being Aggressive-Umpteen phone calls to other friends-Excitement-Jumping with Joy-Worrying about all the sweets and junk reflecting on the weighing scale-Discussions-Screening the lucky girl/ guy for the millionth time-More calls-wondering about what to wear at the wedding-okay, some more calls. And finally, when you know there is not a single soul left who wants to talk on this topic, you find yourself smiling and beaming for no reason.

Few days pass and nostalgia strikes: From strangers to friends to best friends: Hours spent in knowing one another, sailing together through ups and downs of life, Fighting like cats and dogs and then forgetting all about it over an ice-cream, discovering and sharing emotions that you never know existed, bike rides and bus rides and auto rides – well, just being together wherever, umpteen trips, talking till the wee hours of morning, blackmailing with all the secrets, being the one-man army when everyone goes against, discussing crushes/ boyfriends/ girlfriends, talking shit because you know the other person would never say -“You told so…”, the hugs and smiles and stolen glances, the care and pure love … the list is endless.

And then calamity strikes – envy that you cannot talk and meet as you wish and of course, keep calling till the phone is picked at 2.39 am in the morning because you had to share some bullshit.

It doesn’t last long when you suddenly start worrying and hoping that his/ her fiance is the right one ….

And so it continues … till the day you see them getting tied together for life. And warmth, bliss and euphoria sweeps over.

Amen – For the past, present and future of our lives and friendship…

The Tug of War !

1 Apr

After more than 5 years of blissful independence and exploring life and self, being at home is being in another world you knew existed but you thought you would never completely immerse into. Well, life takes you through unplanned routes once in a while – I think I can put together a chronicle on this change: the virtues and vices, the hiccups and benefits, the laughter and the sadness…

Before I start ranting, this is one of the few non-fictional posts – it is real contemplation and well, on an honest note – it feels extremely difficult to put down your very personal self in public space. For some unknown reason, I know I have to.

The last three months have seen me staying under the loving, caring gaze of my parents – this carefreeness begets self-exploration of a different kind – the kind I only read/ heard and ignored – hearing to yourself when alone and accepting it.

So, one of the biggest realizations has been the importance of people in my life – the kind you can talk to about nothing and everything and the biggest learning has been how to maintain and develop relationships.

Well, I have been blessed with absolutely wonderful people in my life, and I always appreciated that.

At the same time, I used to think I am this independent, liberated woman who can spend quality time all by herself but it all went into dumps in the past three months. I realized that I am madly and whole-heartedly dependent on my family and friends to the extent of being possessive, demanding, over-expecting and all other things people term as “insecure”. Talking to them, staying updated about their lives, craving for their time, waiting for the phone to beep – “Oh! God, please even a one-word message will do!” – became utmost important in these 3 months. Unnerving this realisation is – absolutely! Is it really me? Am I crazy? Was it me who earlier used to snigger at such behavior?
And being non-confrontational by nature just added to it.

Well, well – as many wise men have advised, accept the truth.

So, I accepted that I am not a happy loner – I need people around and then, it started feeling good. Now the difficult part.

Home alone, no deadlines, no real work, the ‘bed-food-books-movie’ routine, hence a lot of free time to wonder (yes, crave to wander too), remember, day-dream, quite some topics floating in the mind to talk and discuss and a lot of time in silence craving to be shared.

The flip-side: everyone except your parents are still living by their previous schedules and you have more time than they have. The previous perfect equation of time has turned into inequality. All it led to was self-doubt and worse still, doubt in relationships.

But then, I quickly got over it and learnt the ultimate mantra on how to maintain my relationships. When it comes to people you love, “you need to be extremely patient with them, and equally impatient with yourself.”

What? How? Why?

Yes, I am this super believer in love – every damn kind of love. And so, when it comes to your close ones, you need to be so impatient with yourself that you pursue perfection in as little time as possible with a passion little known – perfection as a friend, as a sibling, as a child, as a lover, etc., perfection such that you leave little chance of complaints, perfection that is so empowering that you know you have given the best, perfection such that the time you spend together with them is bliss of a different level – laughter and fun and memories. You become perfect in being secure, in being able to appeal to their best nature, in perfectly loving your own self to give them your best. Given that, I do believe in a little room for fights (which exist because you are “yourself”) as a part of this utopia.

And when it comes to the other person, you have to be patient enough to give some space, to let them realize their true feelings for you, to let them explore life beyond you so that they can decide for themselves, to allow them the time to unfold and see your depth of feelings for them, to let them just be and to accept them as they change when life progresses. Cliche as it may be – it is not in the amount of hours spent together but in the depth of feelings and immovable trust that relationships foster.

And of course, the best part is that now I am turning into a truly happy loner doing other things that I love, knowing deep down that I love my people and they are with me even when silent.

 

P.S: On a lighter note – Is this permanent, considering how constantly I change?

Calm

17 Jul

You look and all you can feel is love,
No space for jealousy, ego and some stupid tussle –
That is when you know
Calm has set in.

No need to speak,
From a distance you see and the heart is content;
That is when you know
Calm has set in.

Memories and moments
bring only smiles and laughter;
Wait without fear – that is when you know
Calm has set in

Happiness is all you feel:
Belief fluttering deep within;
All is well – and you know
Calm has set in.

 

I Paint a Landscape

13 Jun

I paint a landscape,
Where it rains:
Drips and drops…
It turns bright and gay,
Lush green grass,
all dust washed away!

I paint a landscape:
Gurgling waves try to touch my feet;
While the sand beneath moves away;
Hands embrace, as we walk ahead,
Washed by the colours of dusk –
The sun bows down its head.

I paint a landscape –
Where no walls stand.
Dreams foster every day;
Love and togetherness is all I see;
and music to eyes
is the joy all around.

I paint a landscape with hope and smiles abound.

Only love remains

29 May

For a change,
I ask to look at the past-
Some incident you would rather forget:
Moments spent in resentment,
frustration and confusion;
Lapping smiles and time away.

How meek the moments look
when seen today!
So with all my heart I smile;
Learnt over years, now I know
In the end only
Love remains.

 

Visions, I believe

28 May

My head held high,
With bright eyes I gaze
at the full moon,
as the star shoots by.

As amazed eyes close,
Visions in the heart I see
Then I know,
that the future is as perfect as can be.

The picture is perfect,
Love and happiness all around
All dreams coming true
Sighs of joy abound.

I see the moon again.
Belief is all I need;
It will come true,
deep in my heart I know without any doubt.

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