The Tug of War !

1 Apr

After more than 5 years of blissful independence and exploring life and self, being at home is being in another world you knew existed but you thought you would never completely immerse into. Well, life takes you through unplanned routes once in a while – I think I can put together a chronicle on this change: the virtues and vices, the hiccups and benefits, the laughter and the sadness…

Before I start ranting, this is one of the few non-fictional posts – it is real contemplation and well, on an honest note – it feels extremely difficult to put down your very personal self in public space. For some unknown reason, I know I have to.

The last three months have seen me staying under the loving, caring gaze of my parents – this carefreeness begets self-exploration of a different kind – the kind I only read/ heard and ignored – hearing to yourself when alone and accepting it.

So, one of the biggest realizations has been the importance of people in my life – the kind you can talk to about nothing and everything and the biggest learning has been how to maintain and develop relationships.

Well, I have been blessed with absolutely wonderful people in my life, and I always appreciated that.

At the same time, I used to think I am this independent, liberated woman who can spend quality time all by herself but it all went into dumps in the past three months. I realized that I am madly and whole-heartedly dependent on my family and friends to the extent of being possessive, demanding, over-expecting and all other things people term as “insecure”. Talking to them, staying updated about their lives, craving for their time, waiting for the phone to beep – “Oh! God, please even a one-word message will do!” – became utmost important in these 3 months. Unnerving this realisation is – absolutely! Is it really me? Am I crazy? Was it me who earlier used to snigger at such behavior?
And being non-confrontational by nature just added to it.

Well, well – as many wise men have advised, accept the truth.

So, I accepted that I am not a happy loner – I need people around and then, it started feeling good. Now the difficult part.

Home alone, no deadlines, no real work, the ‘bed-food-books-movie’ routine, hence a lot of free time to wonder (yes, crave to wander too), remember, day-dream, quite some topics floating in the mind to talk and discuss and a lot of time in silence craving to be shared.

The flip-side: everyone except your parents are still living by their previous schedules and you have more time than they have. The previous perfect equation of time has turned into inequality. All it led to was self-doubt and worse still, doubt in relationships.

But then, I quickly got over it and learnt the ultimate mantra on how to maintain my relationships. When it comes to people you love, “you need to be extremely patient with them, and equally impatient with yourself.”

What? How? Why?

Yes, I am this super believer in love – every damn kind of love. And so, when it comes to your close ones, you need to be so impatient with yourself that you pursue perfection in as little time as possible with a passion little known – perfection as a friend, as a sibling, as a child, as a lover, etc., perfection such that you leave little chance of complaints, perfection that is so empowering that you know you have given the best, perfection such that the time you spend together with them is bliss of a different level – laughter and fun and memories. You become perfect in being secure, in being able to appeal to their best nature, in perfectly loving your own self to give them your best. Given that, I do believe in a little room for fights (which exist because you are “yourself”) as a part of this utopia.

And when it comes to the other person, you have to be patient enough to give some space, to let them realize their true feelings for you, to let them explore life beyond you so that they can decide for themselves, to allow them the time to unfold and see your depth of feelings for them, to let them just be and to accept them as they change when life progresses. Cliche as it may be – it is not in the amount of hours spent together but in the depth of feelings and immovable trust that relationships foster.

And of course, the best part is that now I am turning into a truly happy loner doing other things that I love, knowing deep down that I love my people and they are with me even when silent.

 

P.S: On a lighter note – Is this permanent, considering how constantly I change?

The God in ‘small things’

23 Mar

No, this is not remotely connected to Arundhati Roy’s “The God of Small Things”, and my lines won’t propagate the role of smaller things in yet another rant on success vs. happiness.

Straight to the point. As I type these words, I wonder aloud about how sharing, discussing and communicating the “small things” define our relationships.

My observations and introspections have made me believe that the closer one gets to people, the closer one tends to share the smaller things in life. Take your family, your best friends, your partner, your lover – you would have moved on from discussing about the Gods and Demigods in life – the dreams, the insecurities, the past, the big moments to the smaller daily matters – the dog, the joke, daily menu, the boss, the same irritating neighbor, the same daily work day, the television serial, the ride back home, et. al. You talk daily about the same old things, you also want to hear about the same old things ever single day. And is it boring? – No! They feel like a tune, a melody that is a part of you, the fuel that energizes your everyday life and keeps you calm because you know everything is all right with your loved one, the world is still the same, somewhere you are still “you” and most importantly, there is someone out there you do not have to think about entertaining before speaking to – they revel in your sweet nothings.

When I delve deeper, these are not the petty things alone – but the smaller things tend to lead to the smaller feelings and with that, there is only space for so much more comfort in your relationships day by day.

Think about how your best friend just knew how you must have felt even when you narrated the job interview hours later, how you can just communicate your slightest irritation by snapping at your mother, your lover can just identify the silence of your soul disguised in the high-pitched laughter … beautiful realizations that started by sharing the “smaller things” in life.

Aren’t there times when after closing the call – you wonder how far we have come? I also discussed the less “haldi” in the food today and did I really end up describing the stink of the garbage …

Well, well, well … the God in the smaller things … the immutable, irrepressible love that grows with time, that grows with sharing, that grows with communicating the small things … that permeates each and every moment of our daily existence.

Ironically, how vulnerable we get – how we seek the presence of the special someones’ every moment of the day. And the mayhem it creates when someone leaves or decides to leave, bringing with it a daily struggle to keep missing him/ her every moment of the day –

But then, the feeling of love that sharing your daily life with someone brings – isn’t it worth taking the risk?

P.S: Another thought: From the other side of the table – before leaving someone or giving up on someone by submitting to impatience, ego, misunderstandings, negativity and pride, always remember you can make or break people who love you. Spare a thought for the smaller, deeper things and feelings you shared.

 

Clouded

11 Mar

Engulfed by nothing and everything,
Just sitting upright –
staring into the nothingness of the cloudy, starry night
From within the walls of the room:
invisible fetters gnawing deep into the soul
Choking – Strangling – helplessly Hoping
to bask in the moonlight
to soar through the dreamy sky

Minutes, Hours – time just passed by
no movement – not even a flinch.
What do they think?
What do they seek?
What remains, what has faded –
Under that starry night – sitting still:
It is all still just clouded.

Freedom

28 Feb

Hopping on to the scooty –
for a ride in the moonlit sky;
Hair unkempt,  dressed in pajamas –
Hogging to heart’s content in that upscale hotel

Listening to those songs just to cry
Dancing in the rain, no care for those party clothes
Feeling glory in being a one-man fan club
Hugging in a crowd without any hiccup

Meaning praises even for the egotist blokes
Embracing feelings as they unfold
Expressing love without remorse
Confessing weaknesses – no fear of loss

Charades of abuses – no regret, no fear
Crying to your heart’s content –
Accepting mistakes of the past
Then moving on in full gear

Being what you please,
Only yourself to appease
Following your soul, discovering our skills
Living to experiment all you will

Looking straight into eyes’ that pry –
Not having to live in the sly
Voice mirroring what lies inside
All of it is freedom sans any guise.

Savour the Flavour !

15 Feb

Each person in our life is a distinct emotion
– each one as special as the other. Enjoy them to the tiniest possible iota.”
[Bhawana  :P]

– A realization that has made my life so blessed and beautiful!

Each individual is like a blend of different flavors, hues and emotions – mixed, ground and heated in varied quantities to form a completely unique blend! Yin and Yang, Good and Bad, Positive and Negative, Dark and Light … all sides equally essential and attractive.
These are not just idealistic or romantic lines but when you really think, it is very near the truth (if not whole truth). 

Getting to understand and imbibe this perspective has made me so much happier!

1) You know you will never get another same fellow again and you want to know him/ her more sans any judgment and comparison. It just makes conversations so interesting and relationships so pure! It is just you and the other person.

2) You are always on the lookout of identifying that distinct emotion and ultimately there is one or other part of you that identifies with another fellow.
Precisely the reason why I have quite some close friends – there are different topics, ideologies, characteristics that I can identify and share with each of them. And I cannot define the fullness one feels, when you can share almost every aspect of your life with one or other.

3) You are always open to people, open to listening, open to yet more love – It is like – “Okay, so the last emotion did not go down well with you … Well, do not worry – The next one, for sure, just won’t be the same. Open your heart up, silly.”

4) It just makes life so much more exciting and adventurous and vibrant. After all, the biggest cliché of all times: Man is a social animal 😛

5) We learn new things from each individual and add so many new dimensions to our lives!

And to further add to it, one fact extremely hard (yet, essential) to gulp down is that we just cannot force love or make anyone stay when they do not wish to – even if we do, they would be with us not in essence, but just in person. And this further enhances each relationship.

1) You do not know if one will stay forever so you want to make as many memories as possible. And when it comes between your ego and his/ her ego – it appears as a choice between your ego and happy memories. You are, of course, wise enough to choose what will make you happier!

2) Many of us have experienced this at one point of time:  We change for people, do everything another wants (whether we ourselves are convinced or not) just so that the other person stays and still, in the end we lose – not just the other person but ourselves! In hindsight, losing oneself and the time spent in mayhem seems to be the greater disaster.

Realizing that one will stay only if he/ she wishes to, just makes us so much more honest and we can just be. Happy in the glory that I will not change myself if my heart is not convinced.

3) You are just so much more secure of yourself, a little less scared of losing yourself even while expressing what you feel.

People argue what’s the point in opening yourself to others if there are chances of losing, of getting hurt – Well, I believe in clichés:

– Don’t we want to accumulate all the best things in life? Staying mediocre for the fear of getting hurt, which may not even be the case ! Silly, ain’t it?

– The more we interact with others, the more we introspect, the more we know ourselves.

– Pure joy of being with people. And life is meant to be joyous!

So ‘Savour the Flavour’ while you can and yes, while being yourself do your best to ensure that you retain every ‘distinct emotion’ in your life. But if they walk out – you know you did your best and you have tons more to know out there and you better get going quickly.

P.S: It may seem like an odd post , but the three reasons that prompted me to write these musings: 

1) It was Valentines’ Day and I saw a fair amount of disguised hate messages on Social Media among the mushy ones – indirect messages in the hope to maybe communicate one’s rage/ feelings to another person they are no longer talking to or to let people know they were in the wrong and are not needed anymore or perhaps just to proclaim out loud and make themselves feel better about not having few people in their lives anymore.
Very human and honest, I feel. But we can do better.

2) Two of my closest friends love pulling my leg over one topic (as often as they can, well sometimes – mixed with sarcasm too):
“Every other person is your close friend.” -> “Your phone was busy. Oh! You must be talking to a ‘very close friend’ …” -> “So, what is your no. of close friends, now?” etc. etc.

3) Most people I know find it hard to believe that there exists even a single soul who does not want people who left or lost over years  to be back in their lives. But there are such people – and I know some of them.

Badtameez Dil !

14 Feb

A short auto ride from home to office … less than 2 km … You pay the auto driver – rush into the office building – screaming high-spirited Good Mornings and Hellos across the room, all buckled up to take the day by storm and woo the toughest of the clients with your skills  …

Switch on the computer – type in the password – reach out for your bag –  “Damn! Shit! How can it be?” – you squeal.

You cannot locate your mobile phone – An instant – and each of those positive emotions change into PANIC! … You frantically search your bag, pockets, dial the number again and again – switched off – mentally rehearse your journey from leaving home to reaching office the millionth time to ensure that you were carrying the phone in the auto. You gather a crowd of people with your drama – 

And by now panic compounds into DISTRESS !!

I am sure you can relate to that feeling – as if the clock has stopped ticking, you feel handicapped and lost and think how are you ever going to make it through the next few days and more !!

To my utter dismay, I am great at losing things and have gone through the above scene quite a few times!!

And the most humorous episode (in hindsight, of course) was when I actually could not hold back my tears while in office – that was the sort of attachment I held to the little gizmo! 

My ‘oh! so emotional’ excuse was : “It held my memories – precious photographs, messages from loved ones, blah, bah, blah.”
And I am sure, this is the case with a lot of people today.

And still more humorous part is that ironically, I do not even remember those photographs or messages today 🙂

On the other hand, I have vivid memories of the best moments of my life – to the extent that as and when I want, I can relive them as if they are happening right in front of me, with me – I can sometimes, in my fantasies, travel back in time even to when I was five or six !! 

Rolling in the rain, Papa patting away to sleep, the crazy photo-shoot with friends, the compliments, that special message, the romance with nature (with the chirping birds intact), seeing your sister as a bride, mummy’s special smile reserved for you, look and feel of love in those eyes, the first book, the best jalebis .. well, the list has no end.

Ah! And how I felt I lost a chunk of my heart when I lost that phone

This tiny realization reaffirms my belief that it is not in the overt where life and love lies – Real people, Real experiences,Real stories, Real talks and Real emotions – those make home in our hearts forever – doors of memories ready to be knocked, whether we are with others or when solitary so that we can relive the times and those words again in our minds, through our imagination – our inner lenses! The moments that take us into haven of day-dreams!

And those are real memories that transcend time – captured forever in our sub-conscious, not the ones captured in a gadget.

Jee, Dil toh badtameez hai – Bina samjhe boojhe – kaheen bhi kuchh pal ke liye cheezon se dil laga leta hai !

🙂

So, at the end of the each day, go pull yourself away from the demons of daily ordeal you may have faced and make sure you gather moments to be treasured your whole life. Of course, do not forget to gift others some memories too … !

 

P.S: It is just a co-incidence that it’s the day for celebrating love (pun absolutely intended)

Revisit !!!

9 Feb
It has been a long break – more than one and half years – friends keep reminding me.
It got me thinking.
When I look back, the tiny bits I wrote was in-many-ways linked to others: the inflow and outflow of people in life being so correlated to the quality, quantity and subject of my writing.
I doubt why I wrote – just because I could put two words together which any average person can?
My writings never got a fan following – it was never meant to, though words of appreciation did boost my confidence and negative feedback either modified or strengthened my writing.
Finally I am home. And the reasons for Season III (or IV it is?) is ME.
This time around, I want to write for myself.
Well candidly, I do not even know whether I can or cannot – but I know how I feel when words flow out in a rhythm-there is a new tune every time – equally honest, equally pleasant and equally soothing.
I want to write because writing helps me explore myself, re-discover myself.
I want to write because it has this immense power of humbling me.
I want to write because in the midst of complex Excel sheets, over-glamorized presentations, cut-throat deadlines and constantly beeping phone, I get lost in ideas and words seem to flow out in sync – and everything in front of me blurs out.
I want to write because it is intoxicating sans any guilt.
I want to write because I want to feel awesome.

 

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