The Tug of War !

1 Apr

After more than 5 years of blissful independence and exploring life and self, being at home is being in another world you knew existed but you thought you would never completely immerse into. Well, life takes you through unplanned routes once in a while – I think I can put together a chronicle on this change: the virtues and vices, the hiccups and benefits, the laughter and the sadness…

Before I start ranting, this is one of the few non-fictional posts – it is real contemplation and well, on an honest note – it feels extremely difficult to put down your very personal self in public space. For some unknown reason, I know I have to.

The last three months have seen me staying under the loving, caring gaze of my parents – this carefreeness begets self-exploration of a different kind – the kind I only read/ heard and ignored – hearing to yourself when alone and accepting it.

So, one of the biggest realizations has been the importance of people in my life – the kind you can talk to about nothing and everything and the biggest learning has been how to maintain and develop relationships.

Well, I have been blessed with absolutely wonderful people in my life, and I always appreciated that.

At the same time, I used to think I am this independent, liberated woman who can spend quality time all by herself but it all went into dumps in the past three months. I realized that I am madly and whole-heartedly dependent on my family and friends to the extent of being possessive, demanding, over-expecting and all other things people term as “insecure”. Talking to them, staying updated about their lives, craving for their time, waiting for the phone to beep – “Oh! God, please even a one-word message will do!” – became utmost important in these 3 months. Unnerving this realisation is – absolutely! Is it really me? Am I crazy? Was it me who earlier used to snigger at such behavior?
And being non-confrontational by nature just added to it.

Well, well – as many wise men have advised, accept the truth.

So, I accepted that I am not a happy loner – I need people around and then, it started feeling good. Now the difficult part.

Home alone, no deadlines, no real work, the ‘bed-food-books-movie’ routine, hence a lot of free time to wonder (yes, crave to wander too), remember, day-dream, quite some topics floating in the mind to talk and discuss and a lot of time in silence craving to be shared.

The flip-side: everyone except your parents are still living by their previous schedules and you have more time than they have. The previous perfect equation of time has turned into inequality. All it led to was self-doubt and worse still, doubt in relationships.

But then, I quickly got over it and learnt the ultimate mantra on how to maintain my relationships. When it comes to people you love, “you need to be extremely patient with them, and equally impatient with yourself.”

What? How? Why?

Yes, I am this super believer in love – every damn kind of love. And so, when it comes to your close ones, you need to be so impatient with yourself that you pursue perfection in as little time as possible with a passion little known – perfection as a friend, as a sibling, as a child, as a lover, etc., perfection such that you leave little chance of complaints, perfection that is so empowering that you know you have given the best, perfection such that the time you spend together with them is bliss of a different level – laughter and fun and memories. You become perfect in being secure, in being able to appeal to their best nature, in perfectly loving your own self to give them your best. Given that, I do believe in a little room for fights (which exist because you are “yourself”) as a part of this utopia.

And when it comes to the other person, you have to be patient enough to give some space, to let them realize their true feelings for you, to let them explore life beyond you so that they can decide for themselves, to allow them the time to unfold and see your depth of feelings for them, to let them just be and to accept them as they change when life progresses. Cliche as it may be – it is not in the amount of hours spent together but in the depth of feelings and immovable trust that relationships foster.

And of course, the best part is that now I am turning into a truly happy loner doing other things that I love, knowing deep down that I love my people and they are with me even when silent.

 

P.S: On a lighter note – Is this permanent, considering how constantly I change?

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6 Responses to “The Tug of War !”

  1. Pranav April 5, 2014 at 12:50 pm #

    Bhawana, really nice post. Liked the part – “And when it comes to the other person, you have to be patient enough to give some space, to let them realize their true feelings for you…” 🙂

    • Bhawana April 9, 2014 at 10:40 pm #

      Thanks! 🙂
      I honestly think that’s the most difficult but essential bit to live through…
      That’s kind of you – one my friends said this post was an “internet vomit” 😛

  2. Biju Thomas April 2, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    Profound…on the path to self actualization! cheers!

    • Bhawana April 2, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

      Hey Biju Thanks 🙂
      Great to hear from you!

  3. Vaibhav April 2, 2014 at 4:08 am #

    🙂
    Smile is all what I have after reading this..

    • Bhawana April 2, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

      🙂 Thanks
      Keep visiting!

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